just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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