Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
