three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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