This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
