Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
