She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
