i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
