My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
