he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Randomize