if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
