What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
