i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
