the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize