I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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