drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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