Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
so much tequila, so little girl.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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