I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
