take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
