genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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