I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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