I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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