Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
