I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
