i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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