After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
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