If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
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