its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
