if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
