The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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