I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize