I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
