He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
