12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
