Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
