I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My pussy is not your playground.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
