A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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