Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
