Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
