Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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