What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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