remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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