Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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