Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
