We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
