So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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