Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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