Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
