my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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