he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
