Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
