people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Randomize
