I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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