Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
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