i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
