Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
