Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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