I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
