I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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