Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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