he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
