you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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