Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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