So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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